I’m writing this assuming that you’re being forced into the “spcl”-situation that you’re in!! if you aren’t; if you indeed had “someone really spcl” all along, OR you’ve already fallen for him, in any case whatsoever; and do think I’m a piece of shit that didn’t belong in your life, no need to go any further!!!! Sorry for wasting your net pack- and your time, both today and for all these years!!!!
I wish you could’ve told this to me directly, “Honey”- instead of dropping so many hints!
Did you really think those subtle signs were enough??
All those times, when you asked me, “if I send you my wedding card in future, will you come?”, when you started talking about “making the most of the moment”, “living in today, because ‘who knows what future has for us’”, why couldn’t you have simply said to me that your marriage was fixed, and there’s nothing any of us could do about it??
I remember how you suddenly started having so much of an interest in weddings, after Simmi didi’s!! You used to hate marriages, “Honey”- except for a simple, four-rounds-around-Shri-Guru-Granth-Sahib! I did start having my doubts, when you were giving hints about “how” excited your parents were, about your “in-future” marriage! I’m so sorry for not getting it out of you at that very time!
You had started acting weird from that very time, “Honey”, when you had to hurry back to your village in the middle of the semester!! Were we doomed from back then?? You did say that you “didn’t wanna come back to Lucknow after that!” Was this the reason you “couldn’t share everything with me any longer??
Why?? Why did you not tell me directly?? Why??
Did you think I wouldn’t understand?? I’m really sorry if you thought so!! You knew I would- no matter how much I claimed to otherwise!! Even today, if you’re indeed giving-in against your wishes, I know why!! It’s to save your biggest, oldest source of inspiration and motivation-who made you want to escape this personal living hell of yours- that you’re today subjecting yourself to this very hell!!
Did you really think I’d have told you any otherwise to do?? I wouldn’t!!
Did you think I’d have broken down?? Yes, “Honey”, yes!! But I’d have eventually- and very soon- gathered myself together. Why?? Because you fucking would have needed me-and NO pain of mine could keep me from being there for you!!
Did you think I might have left you?? I should hang myself if you though so, “Honey”- you do know me much, much better that that!!
Even though there was nothing we- either of us, or even both of us– could’ve ever done to avoid this, but at least we could’ve suffered TOGETHER, “HONEY”!! Instead of burning in our individual hells ALONE, we could’ve burned TOGETHER!! Or did you not think me worthy enough for that as well??
We’ve shared so many smiles and so much laughter together, “Honey”- over F.R.I.E.N.D.S., over my “worst PJ’s in the world; on which no one but you would laugh”, over my “dumbu/dumbo” mistakes, over so many things!! But we never cried together!! Yes, I have cried in front of you, and you have indeed been the most patient listener. I too have seen- and heard- you cry so many times!
But NEVER-EVER did we cry together, “Honey”! This was when WE were supposed to cry together!!
I’m so sorry, “Honey”, for not letting you make “those happy memories which would provide strength; when the future-tears have weakened us”!!!! I should’ve known that this was your pain reaching out to me. I’m so sorry, “Honey”!
But this wasn’t how we were supposed to remember each other- with the words that I spoke to you last, and the mail you last wrote to me!! Hatred wasn’t supposed to be what we’ll have in our hearts when, or if, we come across anything that takes our minds back to one another!!
I so much wish you had told me this- at least the day we last spoke directly, face-to-face, the day we met to “clear things out” but ended up making each other spill tears!! Instead of asking me to delete your messages, you should’ve told me the reason why you were deleting me from your life!! Instead of that cryptic call to ask me whether “we do have any future as ‘just friends’”, I wish you had told me, at least then, why could we not be more!!
At least we could’ve held hands once!! At least- for the first and last time- we could’ve hugged!! That memory of how it felt to hold you in my arms- even momentarily- would’ve been better than this- hating these very arms for abandoning you (once again) when you needed me the most, just because you didn’t tell me ANYTHING!!
You forbade even our common counselor from telling me anything- she kept hinting that you aren’t what you seem right now, that you had circumstances that I “might” not know about!! She was hell-bent on convincing me that you never had any feelings for me- or any care for my feelings!!
Why did you do all this??
To avoid me a “greater pain”?? I’m bordering on killing myself, “Honey”, out of grief! I’m wasting myself away!! So clearly that didn’t work out so well!!
To save yourself from pain?? I don’t think so!! You were already en-route to living your personal hell!! This wouldn’t have mattered!!
Plus, I did manage to hurt you nonetheless; by your own philosophy, in trying to avoid us some pain at that time, we (I do claim an equal responsibility in it. I should’ve gotten it out of you!!) landed up in greater pain!!
But I’m not writing this just to lament what we lost!! I know I cannot bring back the time that you so much deserved and needed- the last three months!! I know I cannot give you any more memories- both because I know you won’t let me, and I don’t know how much time you have in India!!
But I do want this: One LAST, HONEST CONVERSATION!
Nothing but the plain truth!! No hidden things, no hidden emotions!! If you feel like crying, you’ll HAVE TO cry. If I’ll cry, you’ll HAVE TO hear me out- with your real emotions, as the real you!!
If you think you can do that- be COMPLETELY honest; one last time, with NOTHING hidden, no matter what happens- you do know my number!!
I’ll wait for your call!!
-Mrinaal Prem Swarroop Srivastava (and NOT mrinal prem)