Met a couple of times?? Check.
Like him/her- like, a lot?? Check.
Felt something?? Check.
Had sex?? Was it great?? Check.
Great, time to move in!!
Too soon? Think again!!
Often, moving in together (“Live-in relationship”, in India and some other countries!) is often considered to be the last step of an informal relationship, before formalizing it- as engagement, marriage or civil union etc.
It is done when the two partners have felt “something special between us- something that makes me wanna live with you” at every level- emotional, sexual and sometimes even spiritual.
Here’s a small story, before we move any further:
Samantha was devastated- her two-year long boyfriend Jay had broken up that evening! Although this wasn’t her first failed relationship, nor was she alien to the pain that follows when you become outright unbearable to someone, who once claimed that you were “naught but a part of their own selves”!!
It was the reason, that they were over, that hurt her, left her devastated and her faith in love shattered!!
After being through so much together- his kidney surgery, her really rough patch in career, coupled with her mom’s tragic death, the loss of their unborn child because they were not ready- they had now decided to go their separate ways over whether the breakfast would be extra-sugar, or sugar free!!
As stupid as it sounded, it was indeed true! Right from the day-1 that she moved in- when he was still recovering from his surgery and she was looking for a cheaper apartment to sail through her unemployment- to the day they left, this argument only escalated, never notching
down a single bit; until it was only a bitter taste of black coffee that their relationship tasted like!
It started with an argument over the health aspects of both, but quickly moved to whether or not was Jay’s- him being a construction worker- requirement of extra calories superior to Samantha’s- a model and mildly averse to sweets- low calorie needs. Two separate breakfasts were not possible; it was “Jay’s job” to prepare the breakfast, as Samantha took care of rest of the meals, and he simply couldn’t make enough time for two dishes!! With only one steady income, regularly “grabbing something to eat” was also out of question!
Then came the male-female precedence argument, followed by digging histor
ical graves and finally the name-calling to such an extent that both of them knew that there would be no turning back!!
Four months later, they were both still shaken- very much- and finding it hard to even want to start gathering their lives back. It happens- the pain is most when the love is true and sincere, the attachment to the person is well beyond the level of addiction, and yet trifles tear people apart!! Such breakups, where nobody was at fault, and both were just being true to themselves- even though that was what prevented them from being able to make it work- hurts the most, hurts like hell!!
And the bitterness was still there- more about the wastage of “so much time, so much emotions..” than what was actually said, or what happened!! “If only I knew this ain’t gonna work out..!! I wouldn’t have invested myself so much into him.., so much into us.!!” Her voice trails off , as her fingers cannot help but tug at the pendant- a silver ball- that he gave her on her last birthday- which she hadn’t been able to lose!!
And I cannot help but agree.. She’s absolutely right! If only she knew their individual egos and circumstantial restraints wouldn’t let them stay together, stay happy, she would’ve at least tried to not get involved with him so deeply..!!
But how was she supposed to know? By the time she realized this, she had already fallen in love with him- deeply, (at that time) irrevocably! The very thought of not being with him seemed to rile her up her deepest, darkest trenches; without him, at that time, it was hard, nay impossible, to imagine the world!! By the time she moved in, it was too late!!
Is Samantha the only, lone case- exception, rather than the rule?? Sadly not!!
Today’s world is a one with broken relationships, shredded hearts, shattered trusts and heavily bruised egos- all over trifles; though trifles but UNCOMPROMISABLE TRIFLES.
Some people find themselves falling out of love with their partners w
hen they see them toiling in the garden, in sweatpants- something you’re not very likely to come across until you’re already living together, ergo deeply in love!!
While everybody has a right to break up over sweatpants, but just try to imagine the pain of the person who has to hear it- that they’re no longer desired, that their all the efforts mean nothing, because of a trifle something!!
Any idea what to do then?? How to get to know the significant nuances of your partner before investing yourself into them- if not for moving in together??
In the earlier stages, it might feel weird, for sure- sharing your personal haven with someone you’re not even sure whether or not are you serious about, discussing splitting of chores and finances with someone whom you don’t even know very well, sharing your morning breath and mood with them!!
But in the long run, when (in worst case scenario) you would realize how incompatible you two are, due to those uncompromisable trifles, and when you’ll reflect how fortunate it is that you’ve realized this without having “wasted” virtually anything; it is only then that the significance of this would kick in!
Try it once- discuss it with your partner!! And if they agree, try moving in together first, and falling in love if that works out well enough!!
Not having your heart broken again is worth it!!
EDIT: I’m editing it, as a moral responsibility toward anyone who *might* be reading it, on an off chance, at any time; after listening to Dr. Jordan Peterson say that the research data on this subject is actually counterintuitive- i.e.; the couples who did move in together for a significant amount of time before getting married, ended up with higher divorce rates than those who did not, I’m forced to reconsider, and hereby rescind this ‘prescription’, assuming that 40-year long marriages are, as a rule of thumb/for the general populace
a) the best option,
b) markers of a happier life, as opposed to the life of a divorcee.
I’m not deleting it altogether because it does make intuitive sense, despite the data- hence leaving it here to play out its destiny.