It seems that either the fate is hell-bent on making the mockery of
my loss of you, or except your, the whole of the world is screaming to me that we belong together- no matter how right a clairvoyant who says otherwise turns out to be.
On 04th (actually past 11, of 03rd), I sent a link to Kashish on WhatsApp
– and lo presto, as soon as the clock struck 4 past 12 of the night, she told me that whenever I send her a link, her WhatsApp converts it to Punjabi.
Not only that, soon after, I started developing itchy symptomatic reminders of the measles I had last year, during which you had helped me, supported me a lot- perhaps the only time you actually seemed, and spoke, the way I had hoped you would, as a girlfriend that I thought I was lucky enough to have in love with me- in spite of being away, at your village! Perhaps that was the last time we spoke- and behaved- like a harmonious couple!!
If I knew what lay ahead, I would have gladly stayed ‘measles-ed’ for all the years to come! It was the same panic, the same helplessness crawling all over my skin, the same dread coursing through my veins- only there wasn’t a you I could call or email that lonely night; or console myself with the ‘lollypop’ of it being too late in the night, and I would call you asap tomorrow!
It was the first- and last- time we exchanged love letters, via email; and rereading them, while so painful- like a thousand Cruciatus Curses have hit my heart simultaneously, making it go numb instead of bursting with pain- was the only source of strength I had left in me. Your encouragement, her ‘promise’ to do your best to keep me happy- because keeping me happy, the letter read, made her happy like nothing else!!
I still find it impossible to believe that you’re gone- that all these words- and I– mean nothing to you anymore!
The last time I lost someone, I complained that it happened so fast, that that’s why I was never prepared to accept the loss- because I didn’t have any time to prepare myself to lose a part of me; a part so silently integral, that I didn’t realize how much it meant to me, until it was snatched away!!
But this time, I had all the time in the world!! I had three whole years to make myself believe that I’m gonna lose you one day- and I did try my best to convince myself!!
But maybe I’m a lost cause! I can never “move on”- in the true sense of the word, because I don’t want to move on!
Being with you was the only time I felt good- about myself, about this world around me!! For the first time, the cynicism had started rubbing off me- first time I had dared to hope!! Maybe Gauri was indeed right all along- I’m a believer in fairy tales, in bookish happy endings, no matter how many evidences to otherwise be kept before me; by myself as well as life!
I’ll always keep living in the fool’s future- where you and I would one day be indeed reunited, with you not only accepting and realizing that nobody could love you more than I did, but embracing that love- and me- as well!
That day, I saw Papa once again- after so long (This dream happened in the morning of 04th). He looked weary, ill, tired and defeated- for the first time, in my dreams. Earlier, in my dreams, he looked healthy- plus both of us remembered the accident, in my dreams. And I used to end up clutching him tight, to not let him go once again. But he did go away every single time I woke up.
This time, however, he was ill. I saw him lying down- ill- on the other cot in my room. I simply went and lay beside him, my arms and legs all over him; like I used to, from childhood to the last time we did so, not too long ago before the day I lost my faith in all the goodness in the world.
Scene changed. Now I was in the classroom – the one where I spent most of my graduation. But the teacher there was Rachna Pandey- the first teacher for whom our admirations converged. But then suddenly there was this message on my phone, from Anu- asking me to reach some hospital ASAP, since Papa was admitted there. Somehow, I knew, in my dream, that Papa was dying, and (I think so now, in hindsight) that his last words to me would be to not give up on you.
Then Maji’s real-life call came, and I woke up.
But it cannot be a ‘coincidence’ that the first time Papa shows up In my dreams after You has left me is the first time he’s not just ill or dying- but also the first time he speaks about my love life, and indirectly approves (maybe even proud??) of my choice of life-partner, and almost asks to not let her go!
How many ‘signs’ am I supposed to ignore- or take to mean otherwise??
On 5th, I had to end up visiting Tej Kumar Plaza- where I had previously been only with you- to get the battery of my phone replaced. From the moment I stepped into the weird, confusing architecture- a source of many confusion-caused way-losing and bickering between us- the dull stab in my chest became simultaneously more hurting and duller- as if my defense/self-preservation mechanism was frantically amping up the painkillers with increase in the pain!!
And as I was about to exit out of that place, whom should I run into but Snigdha Ma’am- the first person we both agreed to show the first draft of Prince (c)Harming!! She had also rushed in at the last minutes, just like me, for her phone’s battery!
If you can, please come back!! I’ll be every bit imperfect that I can be! I promise to keep you exasperated, on your toes, constantly unhappy- the way ‘successful’ boyfriends are!! I just want you back- anyhow!!
I promise to not let you go ever again; I promise to wage war against even you, if that’s what it takes to have you back!!
You are my world, and you know it in your heart!!
I need you!!