MRR31

Alright! This is gonna get whiny- a lot- so I advise you to get the fuck out RIGHT NOW..
If you haven’t, you’ve had your warning..

Today, I’m all alone- completely. Even my own soul, my very self has deserted me. I’m shattered to my very core- with nothing but hollowness inside. The one single person who meant the world- my “honey”- has ended my world.

“Honey”, you’ll never realize- just like you never did in the past- how much you- your love, your bloody ‘attachment’- meant for me. And just like before, it wouldn’t matter a grain to you- because you’ve ‘risen above’ the petty human attachments, and don’t feel any “attachment or obligation” towards anyone!
After teaching me to love myself for the first time in my life, you left me not only lifeless, but hating two more people- the two of us.

Where did I go wrong? In making it the mission of my life to see you smiling? In putting you before myself every single time? I killed, rekindled, then again killed, and killed yet again many times over, my feelings for you- to suit your needs! Is this where I had “sinned”- by worshipping you as my only God?

You’ve destroyed me not just for another person- but for myself as well! I gave you a person I admired, respected- albeit my doubts-, turned him into a monster that I dread spending my life with, and have left me with it- all alone!
Didn’t you used to say that arranged marriages are hell because the monster in husbands ‘raped’ the wives every night? Did I deserve to be left with this monster of me, to be raped by myself with every single breath that I took?

I never knew I was sealing my own doom when I helped you deal with your own darkness, which was tearing you apart! You’ve shattered my faith in a lot of things that I still ‘worshipped’ and recommended to others- meditation, sharing pain, introducing people who needed help to those who could help, friendships, second chances, and selfless love.
Never again would I be able to help a person in pain, lest they get so strong that they would destroy me because they wouldn’t need me anymore.
Never again would be able to trust a person’s tears, or when they would ask me why didn’t I ‘wait’ for them a bit longer!
Never would I be able to see anyone smile and allow myself to feel happy just because of being the reason of their smile!

Is this what I deserve, to hear that you “don’t want to see my face anymore”, after devoting an entire lifetime to seeing just your face, in every face I saw in the past three years?

No matter how much you deny it, you’re not the “Honey” I fell in love with- the “Honey” whom I found worthy of seating next to my mother in my heart, the “Honey” to whom I bared my soul like I hadn’t ever before, not even to myself. That “Honey” would have never deserted me in my darkest, weakest time. She would have told that she still loved me, and would have meant it from the bottom of her heart- with all the attachment. That girl died a long ago. No matter how much you look like- or even better than- her, you’ll never be able to come anywhere near that person for whom only death could have parted us!

It took me just one sob of “couldn’t you have waited for me, for just one more month?” to throw away everything I ever wanted- just because it wasn’t you! Did that mean nothing to you?
How easily did you accept my “My feelings are dead”- like you were already waiting for something like that, so as to shift the technical blame on me! Is that all I ever was to you- a game of technicalities? Or another name in the list of your ‘butlers’?

It’s been over a year that I have even smiled genuinely- let alone have a hearty laugh. Every time I tried, a pang in my heart reminded that I am not ‘in a relationship’ with you, and that was more than enough a reason to turn me dark in all the glaring brightness around me. Gradually everybody stopped trying- including you.

Even you- to whom I had conferred all my laughs and tears the moment I heard “I love you, Minaaaal” for the first time! And now, I’m looking ahead at a life where every upward curve of my lips will be a slap on my soul, along with being the single most difficult thing to do.

Was it so hard to understand that it was nothing but you ‘not being with me’ that has been eating me away, over the weeks and months- physically, emotionally and otherwise? Or, perhaps, you knew but didn’t care! I mean, for four years, I have always been on the lowest rung of precedence in your life- if I ever featured there, that is to say! First I was below S, then one exam, then another, then some other people! Even the girl we you hated  was more important a person than me!

“Honey”, do you remember the watches that I purchased with you? I can neither throw them away, nor wear them- or any other watch, for that matter. Not just in my heart and life, you have carved out an irreplaceable gap in my wrist as well!
(Do you know that kissing my watch was the first thing I did when I saw the Wipro results, or whenever I had any positive response from any publisher?)

You may pride yourself at having made it on your own through these four years, but let me tell you one very bitter truth- you made it because you had a “Minaaaal” watching your back every second, awake or not; you had me!
And me? I never had me, because I was too busy with you, and I never had you- not even for one second; like the way I needed you to be, like the way I was there for you! All through the three years, I starved for one look, one touch of the same love, same care, same affection, the same attention that I was drenching you in! Was it too much to ask for?

I feel violated, “honey”! Violated, exploited, milked and then thrown out! And not just emotionally or psychologically, but from the very core of my soul.
All I can feel is a pain- that doesn’t even hurt, because there isn’t enough left in me to feel the hurt.

All I can say is, “Honey”, that after whatever I have been through, for you, for three years- all the suffering, sacrifices, devotion, care and UNENDING, UNWAIVERING ATTACHMENT – I didn’t deserve this- what you did to me, the way you insulted and left me. I deserved much better than this!

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